Umuhamagaro w’abashakanye urema uburyo bwihariye bwo gutegana amatwi. Bibiliya Ntagatifu ivuga umubano w’abashakanye igira iti : « Ntibaba bakiri babiri, ahubwo baba babaye umubiri umwe » ( Mt 19, 6). Duhereye kuri uko kuri, ( Kuba umubiri umwe), dushobora kwumva neza uburyo bukwiye bwo gutegana amatwi.
Abahamagariwe kubana kuri ubwo buryo, banahamagariwe no gutegana amatwi ku buryo buberanye n’umuhamagaro nk’uwo nguwo. Uwo wahaye byose, akaba igufa ryo mu magufa yawe, kuki wamuburira iminota yo kumutega amatwi ?
Ariko mbere yo kureba uburyo bukwiye bwo gutegana amatwi, tubanze turebe uburyo abashakanye babigenza. Duse n’abasuzuma uko ikibazo giteye.
- Hariho abatabona umwanya wo kuganira, bitewe n’akazi bakora, guhugira kuri terefone, tereviziyo no kugorobereza mu zindi nshuti nko mu kabari.
- Hariho abataganira kuko batinya kurebana mu maso, bagahungana, bakabana imitima ipfundikiye; bashaka kugira icyo babwirana, bagakoresha SMS ya terefone, bagatuma abana cyangwa bakozi bo mu rugo, cyangwa se inshuti zo hanze.
- Hariho abavugana umujinya uhungabanya umutima w’undi. Iyo umwe avugana umujinya, mugenzi we aramuhunga, cyangwa se akamuhungisha umutima, kugira ngo yirinde ihungabana riterwa n’amagambo akomeretsa: Abigenza ate iyo ahungishije umutima ? Umutima we urifunga – ni stratégie yo gufunga amatwi y’umutima ngo wirinde amagambo ahungabanya- ibyo undi amubwira, bigasanga yafunze.
Iyo uvuga yumva atakiriwe, birushaho kumurakaza, akumva ko acurangira abahetsi, umujinya ukiyongera, umushyikirano ntube ugishoboka.
- Hari ubwo urukundo rwabo ruba rwarajemo imbeho, mu mibanire harimo urwikekwe, gusuzugurana, kuzinukwa, kubura icyizere. Iyo bimeze bityo, imitima itegeranye, amatwi y’umutima aba afunze, maze ikiganiro cyabo kikamera nk’ikiganiro hagati y’abapfuye amatwi.
- Hari ubwo abashakanye usanga bavuga ngo « ntacyo twavugana, tubanye imyaka myinshi, ibiganiro byarashize. » Iyo bimeze gutyo, ni ikimenyetso ko urukundo rwabo ruba rukeneye ivugururwa.
- Habaho n’igihe uwumva, yumva ibyo ashaka kwumva, bikamubuza kwumva ibyo abwiwe. Gutega amatwi, bisaba ko umutima w’uteze amatwi uba ubohotse ku bitekerezo biri mu mutima we. Iyo ateze amatwi kandi atekereza ibyo ashaka ko undi amubwira, amatwi y’umutima aba yafungukiye ibyo bitekerezo umutima we ushaka, maze ayo matwi akazamo ibihindizo bikumira ibyo adashaka kwumva.
Burya urukundo nirwo rufungura amatwi y’umutima, naho ibyo udashaka byo bigahindira umutima, bikawubuza kwumva.
- Kwumva waranumvise amabwire: Amabwire ni inzitizi yo gutegana amatwi. Turi mu bihe abantu bashishikariye kuvuga amakuru cyane, kuvuga byose, badashunguye. Muri iyo nkubiri y’amakuru, habaho igihe uwo mwashakanye baba bamukubwiyeho ibintu bimuvuga nabi. Iyo ubyakiriye, ukabyemera, kuba wamutega amatwi biraruhanya, kuko uba ukeka ko ibyo yakubwira byose aba akubeshya.
- Muri iki gihe cy’iterambera, habaho igihe abashakanye baganira umwe arangariye kuri TV cyangwa kuri terefone. Kubwira umukunzi wawe, kandi ubona yakunze ibindi kukurusha, bitera ipfunwe.
Izo ni ingero zimwe na zimwe zitwereka ko gutegana amatwi bitoroshye, kenshi bikorwa ku buryo butaboneye. Ntibyikora. Bisaba kubyiga, kubyitoza, bisaba umuteguro, niyo mpamvu y’iki kiganiro.Hariho ababikora neza, bikagaburira umubano mwiza hagati yabo, bigatuma basangira byose mu bwizerane.
GUTEGANA AMATWI KU BURYO BUBEREYE UMUHAMAGARO W’ABABAYE UMUBIRI UMWE
Mbere yo kureba uburyo bwiza bwo gutegana amatwi, tubanze twiyumvishe ingingo 4 zikurikira zidufasha kwumva uwo mwitozo mu mabano w’abashakanye.
Icya mbere: Twiyibutse ko iyo umuntu ashaka kugira icyo abwira abandi, adakoresha gusa ijambo, anakoresha n’ubundi buryo nk’indoro, isura ye, ibimenyetso, guceceka n’ibindi. Baravuga ngo ” N’uhigimye aba avuze” kandi ngo ” N’itabiye iba ishaka iyayo“. Iyo akubwiye akoresheje guceceka, uko guceceka kuba kurimo ubutumwa yakugeneye, yifuza ko wakumva.
Kugira ngo wumvishe ibitari amatwi y’umubiri, bisaba ko uba utarangaye. Urangariye mu bindi, uwikunda we ubwe, ntashobora kwumva ubutumwa buciye muri ubwo buryo butari ijambo:
Urugero: iyo mugenzi wawe akweretse ko ananiwe, aba agusaba kumuruhura.
Iyo atashye arakaye, yarubiye, aba aguha ubutumwa bwo kumwakira uko ari, ukamufasha kugarura ituze.
Iyo ahangayitse, aba agusaba kumuhumuriza, aho kumuhuhura.
Ashobora no kuvugisha impano akugeneye. Iyo aguhaye nka Bibiliya ku munsi wa Anniversaire yawe, ( aba ashaka kukubwira ko yifuza ko wamenya Imana kurushaho).
Gutega amatwi rero ni ugushobora kwumva neza icyo uwo mubana ashaka kukubwira igihe akubwira akoresha ubwo buryo bwose.
Icya kabiri ni uko humva umutima ukunda. Umutima ukunda niwo utega amatwi ku buryo bukwiye.
Utega amatwi akoresha umutima, si ubwenge gusa. Ubwenge bushaka gusobanukirwa, kwisobanurira. Umutima wo urenga ubwenge, ugataha ku mutima w’uwo utega amatwi. Utega amatwi, inzugi z’umutima ziba zikinguye. Ntabwo utega amatwi kugira ngo usobanikirwe, ahubwo ni ukugira ngo wakire undi mu mutima wawe.
Icya gatatu: Kumenya ko umuntu akingurira umutima we uwo afitiye icyizere. Kuvuga ni ugukingura umutima. Ndetse twavuga ko umutima w’umuntu wikingura igihe abona ko ari imbere y’umutega amatwi afite umutima umukunze, umwitayeho. Iyo wumva umutima udahari, urukundo rudahari, umutima urifunga, kuko umutima w’umuntu ntiwagenewe kwisuka hasi, wisuka aho usegurwa !
Ukubwiye ibye rero, jya umenya ko akugiriye icyizere. Ushatse kukubwira ibyo umutima we utwaye, aba aguhaye inshingano yo kumwakira uko ari. Iyo utabikoze, uba umukomerekeje, kandi byo biba kenshi!
Icya kane : umuntu wese iyo ava akagera, akenera uwo abwira ibimuri ku mutima. Uwishimye akeneye uwo basangira ibyishimo, ubabaye nawe aba akeneye kugira uwo atura agahinda afite ngo amufashe kugatwara. Kubwira umuntu ibikuri ku mutima, bikubabaje, biraruhura.
Uwo ubwiye ibikubabaje, uba umusabye kugutwaza agahinda. Utega amatwi ufite agahinda, aba amubereye umuvuzi. Abashakanye bahamagariwe kuvurana kuri ubwo buryo.
Hari ibikomere wavura uwo mwashakanye, ukoresheje kumutega amatwi gusa.
Urugero: agahinda ashobora kuba aterwa n’uko akeka ko umuca inyuma, akaba yarabonye ibimenyetso bimutera izo mpungenge. Iyo utamuhaye umwanya wo kukubwira ako gahinda, agumana intimba, iyo ntimba yanduza imibanire yanyu.
Icya gatanu: Kubwira umuntu ibikuri ku mutima, si ukuvuga ibintu gusa, ahubwo ni ukwivuga wowe ubwawe. Ngo ijambo niryo muntu. Kubwira umuntu ijambo rikuvuyemo, ni ukumwibwira, twavuga ndetse ko ari ukumwiha. Kwakira ijambo akubwiye, ni ukumwakira we ubwe. Bisaba icyubahiro.
Reka noneho, turebe uburyo bunogeye umubano w’abashakanye.
1° Kwumva utumvirana
Habaho ubwo abantu bavugana, ariko ntibumvikane, kuko uwavuze yakoresheje imvugo iruhije kumva. Uvuga yirinda imvugo ififitse, ihishe, ijimije, nko gukoresha imigani y’imigenurano bishobora gutera kwumva nabi.
Iyo uteze amatwi, atabishyizeho umutima ngo yumve neza icyo yabwiwe, nabyo bishobora gutera kwumvirana.
Kwumva utumviranye ntibyoroshye kuko ngo :
« Hagati y’icyo uwo uteze amatwi atekereza,
icyo ashaka kuvuga,
icyo atekereza ko avuga,( yumvikanisha)
icyo avuga mu by’ukuri,
icyo wowe ushaka kwumva,
Icyo wumva,
Icyo utekereza ko wumvise, ( entendre)
Icyo utekereza ko wasobanukiwe, ( comprendre)
Icyo ushaka gusobanukirwa,
Icyo wasobanukiwe,
Haba hari nibura uburyo 9 bwo kutumva neza icyavuzwe“.
2° Kwumvana ineza n’ibambe
Twavuze ko humva umutima ukunda uwo uteze amatwi, kuko kandi hanavuga umutima. Gutega amatwi undi ni ukumutaha ku mutima.
Gutega amatwi rero bisaba gutekereza ibyiza by’uwo utega amatwi, ukirinda kumutekerezaho ibibi. Iyo umutima wawe udafungukiye uwo uteze amatwi umukunze, wiyumvira ibikurimo igihe ariho arakubwira. Iyo umutekerezaho ibibi, nibyo wumva.
Urugero : ushobora kuba ukeka ko uwo mwashakanye aguca inyuma, wamwumva avuga kuri terefoni ati: ” Yewe ntiduherukana koko, twari dukwiye kuzashaka akanya tukabonana”. Iyo mu mutima wawe harimo urwikekwe, uhita wumva ko ako kanya ko kubonana avuze, ari ako kubonana n’uwo bakorana ya ngeso umukekaho, kandi atari byo.
3° Kwakira uwo uteze amatwi uko ari
Gutega amatwi neza bisaba ko wakira ukubwira uko ari, ukakira ibye uko biri, ukarenga ibyo wari umutegerejeho. Burya tubangukirwa no kwumva ibyo dushaka. Ushobora kuba wari utegereje ko yemera ko yaguhemukiye, ko yakubabaje, akaba agusaba imbabazi, ukumva mubyo akubwiye ntabwo ibyo abishyizemo. Burya igihe kiba kitaragera, ariko ibyo ntibikubuza kwumva ibindi akubwiye.
Gutega amatwi ngo wumve undi bisaba kwisohokamo, bisaba kumanuka, ukamusanga aho ari.
Hari ubwo yakubwira ibimubabaje, kandi ari ku munsi wa anniversaire ya mariage yanyu. Ubwo nyine ni uko ameze ku munsi nk’uwo, anniversaire imusanze mu gahinda, urasabwa kwakira uwo mutima afite.
4° Gutegana ngo mwubake ubumwe bwuzuye
Gutega amatwi ni ukwakira undi. Bituma mu mitima ya bombi, hiremamo isano ibageza ku bumwe. Twavuga ko gutega amatwi kuri ubwo buryo, binyura mu ntera enye arizo zikurikira:
Intera ya mbere: Kwumva neza ni ukumva ukubwiye
Ni ngombwa kumenya neza ko wumvise neza icyo ukubwira yashatse kukubwira. Ni ngombwa kandi ko n’ukubwiye yumva ko koko wamwumvise. Ibyokandi ushobora kubimufashamo, ukamwereka ko wumvise neza icyo yavuze, ko kandi wasobanukiwe n’icyo umutima we ugutegerezaho. Kwumva ko uwo wabwiye yasobanukiwe neza kandi yakwakiriye uko uri n’icyo umutezeho, ibyo bimuha umutekano w’umutima. Iyo bitabaye ibyo, yumva yiyambitse ubusa, akababara kurushaho.
Ni ukuvuga rero ko gutega amatwi ari ukumva icyo ubwiwe, ndetse n’ukikubwiye. Wumva ikivuzwe ukumva n’ukivuze.
Urugero: Umugore yabwiye umugabo ati: ” Wa mwisengeneza wanjye, nanone yakuyemo inda” ( bwari ngo bubaye ubwa gatatu agira ibyo byago). Umugabo yumva nabi, yumva ko yayikuyemo ku bushake, ntiyabyitaho ahita yigendera. Umugore abonye umugabo ntacyo bimubwiye, arushaho kugira agahinda, arahira ko atazongera kumubwira ikimubababaje. Umugabo ntiyari yumvise icyo umugore yamubwiye. Ikindi kandi ntiyanumvise agahinda k’umugore we. Uwo mwisengeneza we ni we wenyine yari asigaranye. Gukuramo inda kuri we ni ibyago bikomeye cyane, kuko uwo mwana ari we bari bategereje uzasigara mu mwanya w’abandi bapfuye. Yashatse ko umugabo amufasha ako gahinda, ariko asanga amatwi y’umutima y’umugabo afunze, ntiyashobora kumwumva.
Intera ya kabiri : Kwishyira mu mwanya we
Twavuze ko gutega amatwi ari ukwisohokamo, bisaba gutaha ku mutima w’uwo atega amatwi. Gutegana amatwi, bishobokera abafite umutima w’impuhwe. Impuhwe nizo zituma ibyo wumva biva mu mutwe bikagera mu mutima. Ni ukwigira umwe n’uwo utega amatwi.
Urugero ni nka cya gihe Uhoraho yabwiye umuryango we wari ubabajwe no gukoreshwa imirimo y’agahato mu Misiri: ” Amagorwa y’umuryango wanjye uri mu Misiri narayitegereje, kandi n’imiborogo baterwa n’abakoresha b’imirimo narayumvise n’imiruho barimo ndayizi” Imana iti: ” Narayumvise, ndayizi”, ni ukuvuga ko Uhoraho, kubera urukundo afitiye umuryango we, yishyize mu mwanya w’abamutakiraga, abagirira impuhwe.
Intera ya gatatu: Gusobanukirwa n’icyo agutegerejeho
Iyo umuntu asangiza uwo bashakanye ikimuri ku mutima, aba amweretse ubukene bwe, aba agize icyo amusaba. Twibuke ko ntawe usaba uwo abonye, umuntu asaba uwo abona ko yagira icyo amuha. Ugukingurira umutima we ngo umutege yombi, ni uko aba yabonye ko umutima wawe ushobora kumwakira : kukubwira ni ukukwisukaho, ngo utege amaboko, umwakire, umufashe gutwara ibimuri ku mutima.
Urugero ni nko kuvugisha amarira: akweretse amarira ye ngo umuhoze, akweretse akababaro ke ngo umubwire uti komera, akubwiye inkuru nziza ngo musangire icyamushimishije.
Intera ya kane: Kugira icyo umukorera
Gutega amatwi, umutima wawe ukunze uwo uyateze, bigusaba kugira icyo umukorera. Kwumva umuntu, ni ukumva icyo wamukorera. Uba wamwumvise, iyo wiyemeje kumuronkera icyo yakweretse mubyo yakubwiye.
Urugero ni nka BIkira Mariya i Kana. Abari bacyuje ubukwe, ntibanabwiye Bikira Mariya icyo bakeneye, ariko Bikira Mariya yumvishije umutima ukunda. Yarabumvise, n’ubwo ntacyo bamubwiye mu magambo, arahaguruka, ajya kubasabira Yezu ati : ” Nta divayi bagifite” ( Yh 2, 3).
UMUTEGURO WO GUTEGA AMATWI
Gutega amatwi ntibihubukirwa. Ni igikorwa kijyana n’umushyikirano w’abashakanye. Niyo mpamvu hagomba:
- a)Igihe gikwiye : Gutega amatwi igihe imitima iri hamwe, kandi iri kumwe. Bombi baritegura, ntibibatungura. Bagomba Hagati ya bombi haba hari ukwizerana guhagije. Ntibikorwa igihe bananiwe. Ni byiza ko bombi banyitegura, ntibibatungure.
- b)Ahantu : hiherereye, hatari urusaku rw’abantu.
- c)Gushyira uwo utega amatwi mu mutuzo. Ni ukumwereka ko umuteze yombi ubyitayeho kadi ko nta kindi kikurangaje. Urugero nko kuzimya terefone. Wirinda kumureba nabi, umusuzuguye, ukirinda amagambo amusesereza, amucisha bugufi.
- d)Si icarubanza: ni ukumuha uburenganzira bwo kumera uko ari. Ugerageza kumwereka ko utaje kumucira urubanza cyangwa ko ushaka ko amera uko ubishaka. Wirinda kumududira inama umwereka ko uri umuyobozi wa roho ye.
Umusozo
Gutegana amatwi ni igipimo kigaragaza uko umubano hagati y’abashakanye uhagaze.
Ni umwitozo usaba urukundo, ubwihangane, umutima ugambiriye kubaka urugo rushinze imizi mu mutima y’abakundana.
Ni umuti uvura agahinda baba batwaye mu mitima.
Mgr Edouard SINAYOBYE
Umwepisikopi wa Cyangugu